Part Two: The ability to change

What does it mean to change?

The burning question within my spirit right now. Recently I have gone through many things that have "Changed" the way I see myself, the world, choices that I have made, how I view people, etc....It's been an eye opening experience to say the least.

In life it's easy to pinpoint things in other people and the things that they aren't doing. It's normal to place people in a box of who they were and compare that to who they are now. We play "judge" and jury and determine the very fates of people based on the perception that we have made up for people. I wonder what right do we have to do this to people, do people have "The Ability to Change?"

I didn't think so at one point because for so long I was one of those people who chose to pinpoint everything that a person "was" and not focus on who that person is now and by doing this a lot of friendships and even relationships ended because of this type of thinking.

Right now, at this very moment my change is coming, hell it's all already here and I don't know how to deal with it so to speak. Within I feel wierd because the last few weeks have been educational, painful, insightful, and fullfilling all at the same time. Yes, this is a mixed variety of descriptions but they all fit the very foundation of the reasoning for my NEED to change who it is that I am in order to move forward in my life.

At times I let people beat me down with words or what they deem as truth and I play it off like it doesn't hurt, but it does sometimes. I wonder if this is "Karma's" way getting back at me for all the judgemental, oxymoronic, and hypocritical thoughts that I have had about people for years, and maybe this is my time to see and realize who I'm not, and begin to focus on who it is that I can become.

In my most sincere and honest expression of these thoughts I can say that I have been wrong so long about a lot of different things. Matters of the heart, my view and untrusting nature in people, my inability at times to make progressive choices, my foul mouth,a bevy of different things that I am fighting everyday to be better at with the hope of improving and eliminating these things for the purpose of evolving into the man that GOD sees fit for me to be.

But even then negative energy finds a way to try and knock me off of my path and that's where the drama comes in.

My older sister asked me a few weeks ago "Do you like Drama?" I said "No" but for a second I actually contemplated her question deeply and honestly a part of me does. I feel like when things go to right in life that there is something wrong with that because nothing is perfect by any means. So when drama happens, I embrace it and revel in it. At certain points it's entertaining, most of the time it's some of the worse moments of my life. But in the end, it will only make me a better man or at least that's the hope that I have for myself...

So for those that think that I haven't changed and that I'm still the same ole' Marcel I was way back when, all of you have a huge suprise ahead of you. In my mind my evolution into manhood has been based on lessons, experience, and faith. I am learning that I can't be concerned with people and what they think of me; as long as I take care of myself (Of which I haven't been lately) keep my spirit free, say my prayers, and focus on things that matter to me, I think I will be ok.

I have been going through a battle within that has been burning in my spirit for along time. I am trying not to lose my mind throughout all this, but I maintain the position of being a person who has dealt with worse in my life and still managed to be alright in the end. Many times I have walked through fire and not be burned. Walked through many of storms and didn't even get wet. I have stared "Fear" it's eyes and faced it head on, I am no longer afraid, no longer fearful by any means....

For those that only see me in darkness, please shine your light of understanding on me and see "ME" for who I am.

Because all I am is me and this is how I feel....

Sidebar.......

Please feel free to comment on this stuff. I am eager to read and understand your feelings about my words....

Until next time.....

Part One: This is my chance.....

For along time I tend to be a creature of habit, doing the same things, the same way, and ultimately the same outcome tends to make itself known within the situation...

After a while you would think I would get tired of this.....

Well, not so much. I can't figure out for the life of me why things tend to happen the same way over and over again. And what lessons get learned while all this is going on? The constant unanswered question in my mind.

This re-accuring theme that I am speaking of is the constant in-ability of mine to keep a relationship. Now my history with the ladies is very colorful in terms of the things I have had to deal with. I mean you name it, its probably happened to me whether it be drama from me or from that other person. Either way it goes, it's not a good thing to say the least.

I have realized lately that for all the mess I talk and the things that I claim to be about, I realized that in so many ways that I am full of shit. I am just as scared as the next person, my emotions flux at times (but who's don't) and at the end of the day I'm left with the same scenario after everything goes down.....

I end up alone....

At times I wonder if this is the outcome that GOD has for me. I wonder if for every situation that I get into, will I improve or continue the same trend that has hunted me since I was 17 years old. I can't really figure out that answer and I guess only time will tell.

But right now, I feel like this is my chance to finally admit that I am in love with a woman who may not love me, but she knows how I feel and how I have felt for along time. I know that things between us haven't always been great and she could even hate me up to this point, but I think she is awsome. Beautiful, smart, educated, cultured, the whole nine and I can't seem to keep her around for nothing.....I wonder if she thinks about me....

Am I so caught up in the outcome of things going bad that I don't give the time to actually enjoy my relationships? Do I over think the simple things all the time? Now as I'm asking these questions I already know the answers, I'm only asking them for the irony.....lol.....(I crack myself up sometimes)

But as the days grow colder and we look to love to keep us warm, will I be left out in the cold forever? Time will tell, but I know she is out there somewhere waiting for me and I just want to make sure that I am ready for her whenever she decides to make herself known....

Ms. Right, If you are reading this, let me know who you are, what are you about, and where have you been all my life?

My story continues because I'm going to say how I feel regardless if anyone is listening......

peace

The Introduction.....

Through the years "Change" has been the constant theme in my life, one that has been unavoidable on so many levels.



The funny thing about "Change" is that it's unexpected, unseen, un heard of, but you know it exist and a lot of time you have no choice but to roll with it.



Throughout history we as people have changed with the times and have learned how to adapt to new things and themes that constantly get introduced to us in this world. We have the choice to be resistant, but eventually "Change" dominates and well you know the rest.......



For me, this is my chance to say how I feel. No more censoring and being sensitive to other people's feelings with certain things. But in order to speak the truth, you have to be able to face the truth yourself because one can't preach change and not be willing to change themselves.



So here I am, a 28 year old Black Man on the brink of forever trying to find my way in this world one day at a time. In my life I have said, done, and felt many things that people haven't always agreed with. My methods of doing things hasn't always been the best, but I try to do the best that I can with what it is I have (I stole that line from "Umi Says"-Mos Def) and continue to move forward in this life.



In the coming weeks, my thoughts will be an open window into my mind that so many either wonder about or might not even give a fuck.



But at the end of the day, it's all me and that's all I can give.......



So with that said "I'm gonna say how I feel"



peace



-cel