Part Two: The ability to change

What does it mean to change?

The burning question within my spirit right now. Recently I have gone through many things that have "Changed" the way I see myself, the world, choices that I have made, how I view people, etc....It's been an eye opening experience to say the least.

In life it's easy to pinpoint things in other people and the things that they aren't doing. It's normal to place people in a box of who they were and compare that to who they are now. We play "judge" and jury and determine the very fates of people based on the perception that we have made up for people. I wonder what right do we have to do this to people, do people have "The Ability to Change?"

I didn't think so at one point because for so long I was one of those people who chose to pinpoint everything that a person "was" and not focus on who that person is now and by doing this a lot of friendships and even relationships ended because of this type of thinking.

Right now, at this very moment my change is coming, hell it's all already here and I don't know how to deal with it so to speak. Within I feel wierd because the last few weeks have been educational, painful, insightful, and fullfilling all at the same time. Yes, this is a mixed variety of descriptions but they all fit the very foundation of the reasoning for my NEED to change who it is that I am in order to move forward in my life.

At times I let people beat me down with words or what they deem as truth and I play it off like it doesn't hurt, but it does sometimes. I wonder if this is "Karma's" way getting back at me for all the judgemental, oxymoronic, and hypocritical thoughts that I have had about people for years, and maybe this is my time to see and realize who I'm not, and begin to focus on who it is that I can become.

In my most sincere and honest expression of these thoughts I can say that I have been wrong so long about a lot of different things. Matters of the heart, my view and untrusting nature in people, my inability at times to make progressive choices, my foul mouth,a bevy of different things that I am fighting everyday to be better at with the hope of improving and eliminating these things for the purpose of evolving into the man that GOD sees fit for me to be.

But even then negative energy finds a way to try and knock me off of my path and that's where the drama comes in.

My older sister asked me a few weeks ago "Do you like Drama?" I said "No" but for a second I actually contemplated her question deeply and honestly a part of me does. I feel like when things go to right in life that there is something wrong with that because nothing is perfect by any means. So when drama happens, I embrace it and revel in it. At certain points it's entertaining, most of the time it's some of the worse moments of my life. But in the end, it will only make me a better man or at least that's the hope that I have for myself...

So for those that think that I haven't changed and that I'm still the same ole' Marcel I was way back when, all of you have a huge suprise ahead of you. In my mind my evolution into manhood has been based on lessons, experience, and faith. I am learning that I can't be concerned with people and what they think of me; as long as I take care of myself (Of which I haven't been lately) keep my spirit free, say my prayers, and focus on things that matter to me, I think I will be ok.

I have been going through a battle within that has been burning in my spirit for along time. I am trying not to lose my mind throughout all this, but I maintain the position of being a person who has dealt with worse in my life and still managed to be alright in the end. Many times I have walked through fire and not be burned. Walked through many of storms and didn't even get wet. I have stared "Fear" it's eyes and faced it head on, I am no longer afraid, no longer fearful by any means....

For those that only see me in darkness, please shine your light of understanding on me and see "ME" for who I am.

Because all I am is me and this is how I feel....

Sidebar.......

Please feel free to comment on this stuff. I am eager to read and understand your feelings about my words....

Until next time.....