Part Three: Can't Find the Words to Say

A change has happened.

Something so drastic, that it's honestly humbled me in ways that I have never had to deal with ever in my life.

I keep telling myself that "You never know the impact of your choices until you are forced to deal with them" but even with this statement, I feel that there is so much more.

Recently I had to face reality in ways that not even my imagination could ever fathom. Two women, two different situations, but both wanting and needing the "TRUTH" in the matter. And me, I couldn't give it to them.

For all the times I brushed people off, got quiet on people, ignored people, I can say that I got a taste of all that and then some. I have read old emails, facebook messages, and wonder how things could start off so right and end up so wrong on many levels. I wonder what drove me to make certain choices and ultimately be ok with the reality that I had built for myself. So many questions and no answers in sight.

Or so it seems.....

I couldn't find the words until now to really express my logic for the choices that I have made. The only thing that I can gather is that it was time for me to get a taste of my own medicine and see the "Other" side of what it meant to be hurt and things. To be effected by people's quick decisions and learn what it means to yearn for something that you know you can't have anymore.

To face the fact that people are fed up and done with you. I mean done...for real...how does one recoup from all this?

I have been through worse, but never have I felt the hurt like this. Not so much of not being with said people, but dissapointed and ashamed of self for constantly turning my feelings on and off and expecting people to still take me serious when it's all said and done. And for the last month or so, everything that I thought I knew about myself has changed forever and I will never forget the things the ladies taught and showed me.

With my new perspective I wonder what's in store for me next. One young lady has moved on to someone else and the other one has dedicated herself to God and ultimately trying to improve herself one day at a time. I know that each young lady will hold a special place with me. A place that has all the memories of the good and the bad days, the silly inside jokes, all the way down to the arguments. I will hold on and remember what not to do if ever it's meant for me to be with anyone again.

But I wonder....

Would things be different if I would have been more honest about my feelings with either young lady? Or did things turn out the way they needed to so that growth could take place?

I guess we will never know.....

But I wish them both well and I'm praying for happier days for them both that I couldn't provide in the end.

I am praying to be a better man and hoping that I don't make the same mistake again...

Only time will tell....

Until next time....

peace